Memory
by Bohemian Storm
Summary: After only a few weeks in Azkaban, Sirius Black turns to his most treasured memory to keep him sane. SB/RL mild slash.


**Memory**

By Bohemian Storm

Disclaimer:  JKR owns them.  If I did they would be living with me. :D

Notes:  This was inspired by the fic called "Lost to Torment" by She's a Star.  I've always loved Sirius/Remus fics, but have never been able to write one.  Her fic inspired me to go for it and … this is the result.  Enjoy.

They're prying at my brain, my memories.  I can feel them this very moment, long shadowy fingers unfurling and plucking with almost childlike pleasure at the deepest parts of me.  They want me, they want to help me rot from the inside out, taking away everything I ever held close to my heart.  Looking into those shadowed hoods is like looking into whatever hell might be like.  I would rather face Voldemort than spend another second in this place, letting their slimy tongues taste the air I breathe.

I hate them and I hate him for sending me here, but even with all that hate inside of me I can only think about you.  While their dead hands stroke my forehead, pressing into my temples I can escape to you.  I have a power they can't beat.  I know I'm stronger than they are, I have to be stronger.  For you and for Harry.  He doesn't know about me yet, but you do and you'll remember everything you think I did.  You'll try to hate me, you'll hold your proud head high and go on during the day but at night you'll weep.  You'll miss me, Moony, I know you will.

I know it because I miss you more than anything else.  I miss you more than waking up with the sun streaming through my window.  I miss you like I miss breathing the clean air rather than the dank filth they make me breathe here.  You were a necessity and I can't go on without you.  That's why I have to escape to you.

So as they bear down on me I let myself melt away.  I let the hair grow, the snout lengthen and I let myself become Padfoot.  I let myself remember the times when we ran together, the moon full above our heads and the ground soft beneath our paws.  I close my eyes – the only sign that I'm even alive – and I lose myself in a memory.  There's a solace in you; in them.  Do you remember, Moony?

_I solemnly swear that I am up to no good._

We thought we were so clever, so wise and so witty to come up with that map.  It was our crowning achievement when we were in school.  Catching Peter was supposed to be the crowning achievement of my adult life but things went so horribly wrong, didn't they, Moony?

Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.  The Marauders.  I never expected it to end.  I wanted it to go on forever, the werewolf, the dog, the buck and the rat side by side forever.  I remember James's magnificent form and I remember Peter.  The rat.  I can never forget him.

Or you.

I can never forget you.  When I feel like I'm going to die, when I think that they just might win this time and I'm going to go completely mad there's only one place I need to go.  It's not very far inside of my mind because it has always been there, a shadow of hope shimmering on the horizon but they can't get to it.  They can never get to it because I keep it so well protected.  There are walls up around it, walls that can never be broken, but I have the key to the lock.

I simply let myself be Padfoot and I melt back into a time when things were simple and they made sense.

_"Sod off, Padfoot!" you shouted angrily, turning from me and stalking quickly down the hall.  If I had known a simple joke would have made you so angry I wouldn't have even suggested it to James.  It was just a joke._

_"Moony," I groaned, following you quickly.  "Moony, lighten up, would you?  It's not even comparable to all the things we've done to Snape."_

_You turned on me, amber eyes wide and glowing with anger._

_"Yes, well, we hate_ Snape, don't we?"__

_I shrugged.  "I said I'm sorry.  I'm not going to follow you all over the school while you look for something to fix that."_

_Your glared turned even harder and you pointed at the third eye in the middle of your forehead.  Even that one was glaring at me, more anger in it than I'd ever seen in your natural eyes.  It looked quite amusing, but I wasn't about to say anything along those lines._

_"Where am I going to find something to fix this__?" you asked._

_I shrugged.  "Madame Pomfrey must have something."_

_"I'll go alone," you spat angrily, then turned and stomped away._

I'd never seen you so mad.  I couldn't stop grinning and I knew it would make you angrier but there was no stopping me once I'd started.  Looking back now you have to admit that it was funny, Moony.  There's no other way to see it.  That prank was one of my personal bests.

I can imagine you this very moment, you know?  You're so predictable.  You'd be staring at me quizzically, brow furrowed and a confused little smile on your face.  You'd think it was a silly memory for me to keep so guarded, but that's only because you've forgotten what happened later that night.  You've forgotten everything that happened because . . . well, because you wanted to forget.  It hurts and sometimes I want to pretend it's not true, but I know you better than that.  You wanted to forget everything immediately after it happened.

I'll never forget, Moony.  Never

_"Forty two bottles of butterbeer on the wall," I sang softly.  "Forty two bottles of butterbeer.  Take one down, pass it around, forty one bottles of butterbeer on the wall." I glanced at the common room entrance once more and sighed before starting the next round._

_ "Forty one bottles of butt-"_

_"Never go into singing," you said, smiling softly and slipping through the portrait hole._

_I smiled sourly.  "Hope you're happy.  Prongs made __me stay up to make sure you weren't too mad."_

_You shrugged.  "Well, it's only fair, isn't it?  You did put a third eye in the middle of my forehead."_

_I glanced at you.  "It's gone now."_

_You smiled dryly.  "Thank you, Padfoot, I wasn't quite aware of that."_

_"Anytime, Moony, my pal."  I stretched on the sofa and yawned.  "Can I go to bed yet?"_

_You shook your head and settled contently beside me.  "Not until I get an apology."_

_My jaw dropped.  "I apologized six times in class and three more times in the hall.  Did that eye make you lose your memory?"_

_You simply smiled.  "Not at all.  I just want something genuine."_

_"Give me a break," I muttered._

_You crossed your arms and leaned back beside me.  "Genuine."_

_We sat there in silence for a very long time, the minutes ticking by and the night slipping away.  You had that infuriating smile on your face, that smile that I knew meant you would last the entire night.  I wanted to hate you.  I couldn't.  _

_"I don't know what you're so upset about anyway," I said finally.  "At least your eyes are nice enough that people might think it neat if you had a third one."_

_You turned toward me, eyebrows raised in surprise._

_"Oh, come off it," I said irritably.  "Have you ever looked in a mirror?  Haven't you ever listened to the girls whispering in the halls?"_

_You shook your head slowly._

_I rolled my eyes, then put on a bright smile and a fake falsetto voice.  "Oh, that Remus Lupin, isn't he darling? I've had a crush on him since fourth year!  His eyes just glow!  Aren't they haunting?  He's soooooo sexy."_

_You grinned and I fell back against the sofa, glowering once more._

_"Well, they say the same about you," you replied._

_I just rolled my eyes again._

_You sat up and adopted the same voice.  "Have you seen Sirius Black today?  He looks so good, you would just not believe it.  How does a guy get that good looking?  It just isn't fair.  Do you think he'd ask me to the Yule Ball?  I would die.  His eyes, his body, oooh, I just want to . . ." you trailed off suddenly, looking uncomfortable and slumped back beside me._

_I smirked.  "You just want to what, Moony?"_

I can't say that I expected it.  How in the world could I expect a thing like that?  But I also can't pretend that I had never imagined what it might be like.  You and me, sitting alone on a couch together and one of us saying just a little too much.  Moving a little too close.  Pushing a little too far.

I wanted you to push too far.

_"I _don't want to do anything," you said defensively.__

_I sat up again and my smirk grew wider.  "Liar.  You just said you just want to . . . and then you trailed off because it was something inappropriate."_

_"Fine, Padfoot, it is something inappropriate.  I want to kill you.  Inappropriate enough for you?"_

_"You're still lying!" I continued gleefully, when I should have stopped before I had even begun._

_Your mouth tightened and I was sure you'd go stomping into the dormitory any second._

_"Tell me, Moony," I whispered, still smirking.  "You can tell me.  I won't m-"_

_Your mouth on mine cut me off completely, dry lips pressing down on me.  It only took me seconds to respond, but those seconds felt like they were stretching on forever.  It felt as though a thousand questions were running through my mind.  So rather than answering any of them I just kissed you back.  We lay on the couch, mouth pressing together and tongues sliding tentatively into the other's mouth, trembling fingers passing over shoulders and throats.  We lay like that for the better part of an hour._

_And we never spoke of it again._

But I remember, Moony.  I can't forget, not something that was as important as that.  It's the thing that keeps me sane, you see.  The dog and my memory of us.  It's all that keeps me alive in this place.

I know it wasn't your plan only three years ago to kiss me in the common room and have it save me, but that's what happened.  A spur of the moment decision has been forever embedded into my mind and it's the one thing they can never have.

You saved me.

And that's something I can never forget.

~*~

"He doesn't know you're here, Remus," Dumbledore says sadly, touching the other man's shoulder.

I sigh and look up at the headmaster.  It has only been two years since I've graduated and already things have changed so much.  

"I just wish I could speak with him," I say

Dumbledore nods sadly.  "I know you do.  We all do.  I thought if anyone could reach him it would be you but he's been like this for weeks."

"What did the doctors say?"

Dumbledore shrugs heavily.  "Whatever state he's in it hasn't been induced by the Dementors.  It's almost as if he's lost inside of himself."

I stare back into the cell, watching my best friend curl his legs underneath himself and stare skyward with a silly grin plastered across his face.  Right now I don't know if he's guilty or innocent but I do know that I can't forget about him until it's been proven one way or the other.  I don't believe what the Ministry has told me and the only one who can tell me the truth is locked inside his own memories.

I sigh again and turn to go, but not before a strangled sob reaches my ears.  I turn back to see Sirius standing, swaying unsteadily on his feet with a hand reached toward me.

"Do you remember, Moony?" he asked, his eyes glazed and unfocused.  He can't see me, I know he can't, but I can't turn and walk away without saying something.

So I swallow, I bit the inside of my lip and I force myself to smile.

"I remember, Padfoot."

You smile, light bursting across your face seconds before you collapse to the floor.  You're already too thin and too worn, but your smile has told me everything.  I do remember and I won't let you die in here.

End


End file.
